Memories of the Snow
by stardust rain
Summary: Half a year has gone after Sirius's death and Remus reflects on their relationship. 2nd person. Remus-Sirius, slash, x-mas fic


A/N: And she's back with another one!! Xmas fic, mostly fluff but there are some angsty bits (don't look at me like that! There's nothing wrong with angst!) basing around Sirius and Remus' relationship. It contains slash so if it's not your piece of cake, then don't read. I don't mean to ruin the Christmas spirit in any way with this fic; this is just something that came to me and has been nagging my brain for some time so I thought I'd let it some air. And it ate me. =_= First attempt to write in second person. ENJOY!

****

****

**Memories of the Snow**

****

_You are here alone again_

_In your sweet insanity_

_All too calm, you hide yourself from reality_

_Do you call it solitude? Do you call it liberty?_

_When all the world turns away to leave you lonely_**__**

***

It was a chilly morning when it happened. 

It all started out as a dare they played to celebrate the last day of term, before everyone went home to their families. The girls made you do it, and soon they got boys into persuading you as well. They begged, they pleaded, they offered you money. And you refused. You refused the only chance to get to kiss _him._ But he refused too, didn't he? No way, he had said, not even in some alternative universe would he do it. He didn't want to risk his reputation. And that shattered you. You never showed it, but it secretly and silently broke your heart.

But James saw. And James stepped up, playing the loyal one again. He called him coward, said that he was scared. And that stung him. He grabbed your collar dragged you towards him without even warning and pressed your lips together. You were too shocked to even think, let alone kiss him back. His tongue swiveled in your mouth and you finally managed to get your muscles to work and awkwardly moved your tongue to touch his. He broke away to a stunned common room and a bunch of crestfallen girls with a grin plastered on his face. 

You couldn't speak for the rest of the evening; you could hardly breathe when you thought about what happened. 

It wasn't soon after your kiss when plunged into a complicated web of emotions and dreams with him, your relationship developing over time. He'd whisper to you in the night, say things you were afraid to say. 

"Don't go" he whispered to you once. "Don't leave me"

But you didn't answer him

And it was snowing outside you remembered. 

*** 
    
    _The fields are filled with desires_
    
    _All voices crying for freedom_
    
    _But all in vain they will fade away_
    
    _There's__ only you to answer you, forever_

***

It was a cold afternoon when they took him away. 

He had moved out of the house you bought and you remembered waiting with him for the Ministry wizards to come. The silence between you was heavy and dull; his face was pale and buried in his hands, you were staring at the small part of his face that was visible, wanting something more out of your last few minutes together. You were angry at him; you didn't want to listen to his many excuses on why he did it. He had killed Lily and James, killed Peter and a part of you died somewhere along the way. You told him things you regretted later, you didn't understand why he'd do it. He didn't answer but only looked at you with a painful stare. The wizards came arrested him, leaving you alone in your too big flat. 

For months you were left with nightmares and painful memories of him. For two months you stayed at home, trying to sort out your feelings of hopeless despair and bitter anger. You spent Christmas alone that year; without your lover, without your friends and without the company of your family. You missed him but you didn't want to admit it, you hated him but you were too afraid to say it. You were a mess then, having had lost the people you loved most. 

You visited him some time afterwards. He looked shattered, even more so as he saw you. Because you knew you were the one who shattered him. You broke down then, and pulled him into your arms without another thought, feeling the scattered pieces of your broken heart come flying back. You stayed with him for at long as the visiting hour lasted, not bothering to see the rest of the island. He whispered the familiar words you have heard before in your days at school, promising all those promises he already told you. He told you he loved you, like he had years ago. You came to him for one reason: to ask him about Lily and James. But, like years ago, you never got the words out. He kissed you before you could mention his crime in the past, and the blissfully familiar taste of his lips on yours made you lose track of all thoughts.

"Don't go" he whispered to you again. "Don't leave me again"

But you left him anyway.

And it was snowing outside you remembered.

***

_In blinded mind you are singing_

_A glorious hallelujah_

_The distant flutter of angels_

_They're all too far, too far to reach for you_

***

It was a quiet evening when you saw him. 

Back then he seemed like nothing but a dark shapeless shadow in the bottom of your garden, his shadow long and eerie. His face was bathed in the moonlight, making him look thinner than ever. You called him in, in half disbelief, half shock. You stepped away, and looked at him tears forming in your eyes, blurring your gaze. He was smiling, but there was a hollow look in his eyes that wasn't there before. There was a familiar glint in his eyes that you recognized. The look of lust and the need to posses.  That night was loud and hot, the first time you were with him in twelve years. The weeks passed and you nursed him back to health, making him the man you remembered. 

You spent the little time you had together, your busy work driving you away from him. 

"Don't go" he whispered to you once. "Don't leave me again"  

But he was the one who left you.

And it was snowing outside you remembered.

***

_I am here alone again_

_In my sweet serenity_

_Hoping you will ever find me in any place_

_I will call it solitude when all my songs fade in vain_

_In my voice, far away to eternity_

***

The candles are burning quickly at the table as Molly's food is served. Six months. Six months had gone since he died. Your eyes are bearing a tired and defeated look, your face pale and forlorn from lack of sleep.

Christmas presents are lying under the tree, voices of laughter echoes throughout the room. Harry is having a cheerful conversation with Tonks, Molly is arguing with Bill about his hair again. Things are the same as the Christmas twelve years ago. Except you're not alone this time. 

And it's snowing outside you realize.

***

The Dog Star shines down brightly and silhouette of a thin man appears in the garden. For a moment a cloud floats across the star and the waxing moon. Then it's gone.

***

   * ~_FIN_ ~*    

A/N: yes, yes, I know, I know. I missed a lot of scenes in the book, like the whole Shrieking Shack scene and Sirius' death because of the way I start and end every scene; there were things I couldn't put in. This is the second of many holiday fics I'm gonna be busying myself with this week. I'm trying to upload one fic a day for four other categories (Yami no Matsuei, Gravitation, FAKE, Spirited Away) --    one fic which I have the slight idea about, two which are more or less in my head, and one which I've no idea what to write about. That takes a lot outta someone like me. Ah well, anything for reviews (hint, hint)!

Please give some feedback and Happy Xmas!! All flames will be used to cook Christmas turkey with.

Disc: HP does not belong to me. Song 'the world' come from the anime hack/:SIGN

****

****

****


End file.
